The Delicate Art of Delegation

When Support Isn't Helpful

Knowing the value of support is easy.  Accounting for the cost of that support is under-considered.

Support from members of your household is great when you have a freelance business.  Everyone cheerfully pitches in and does their thing without reminders.  They even volunteer to do things without being asked.

Are you shaking your head?  Not your house?  Not mine either.

I’ll tell you some things I’ve discovered.  While it may not necessarily produce the help that you want, it will certainly make some things better.   While that may sound illogical, I think what I’ve found makes a lot of sense.  Let me explain and you tell me what you think.

He Thinks Differently

I find that my husband’s thought processes are very different than my own.  We tend to be opposite on many things.  Room for conflict here?  You bet!

I have learned, in my situation, we have this unspoken thing where certain chores are mine and certain chores are his.  If I’m asking for help with what he regards as my job, he may or may not do it.  If it’s unassigned, he’s more likely to be involved.  I bet he’s never even thought about it this way.  I don’t usually think of it in the moment.  This is just a pattern I’ve observed. 

 

 Kids Don’t Want To

Kids have a way of procrastinating.  It sucks up our energy, takes mental space until it’s done.  Or perhaps they are timely, but not even remotely to a standard you would call done.

I can mentally complain.  I can nag.  I can get worked up.  It doesn’t change anything long term.  It just makes me less pleasant to be around.  Worse, it steals my focus from productive things I’m trying to accomplish.  Worst, it steals my energy.  My fire.  It’s hard on relationships. If I start to make it personal, things go downhill quickly.

It’s Not Fair!

I can say it’s not fair that he doesn’t do much to help me clean.  Since he wants me to do a bunch of other things that require a lot of time, it’s true.  So what are my best options?

1.       I can ask for people to take over specific tasks.

2.       I can do it myself.

That’s it?  Just two choices?  Pretty much.  The rub is how it’s handled, the results, and the long term effect of either option.  Both have their pros and cons.  Let’s take a look.

Ask Others to Take Over Certain Tasks

Clearly asking others for specific help is a good place to start.  If they don’t know the need, they won’t read your mind and just do it 99% of the time.  Since it’s not primarily their responsibility, they don’t notice the trash is overflowing, unless they can’t throw something away.   Even if they do, it’s easier to set it down nearby than deal with it.  Someone else will do it.

Before you get riled, let’s look at a different situation.  If you have something to throw away at the gas station, and the trash receptacle is overflowing, do you take it upon yourself to empty it?  Probably  not.  It’s not your job – even if you see that it needs to be done. 

 

What about when you had a job outside of the home, a job with tasks that didn’t include emptying the trash in the restroom?  Would you empty the trash then – since you see it needs to be done?  Maybe, maybe not.  Depends on the size of the company.  If the company is big enough, there is a janitor with assistants who perform cleaning tasks for him.  The janitor is still the one responsible for making sure everything gets done.

Is it that weird that your kids and husband would see it in a similar way?  If you are the overseer of cleaning in the home, as a woman often is, it’s your responsibility, even if someone else does a task for you occasionally. We can complain about sexism, but does that change reality?  What if, as a woman, we are just better suited to the details if our guys are big picture oriented?

Choking on Unreasonable Expectations

I discovered I have an unreasonable expectation that everyone should pitch in and help with cleaning.  Sometimes they do help - before someone comes over.  However, it’s not on a day-to-day basis.  My expectation chokes the life out of the household if I nag or think resentful thoughts about the stuff they can plainly see needs to happen.  I’m assuming that they notice.  They might not.  Their focus is usually on something else.  And it’s not about trying to “get away with it” as is easy to feel.

Asking for help has some downsides. 

You may have to lower your standards.  Maybe the trash gets emptied, but the liner doesn’t get replaced – so the trash bin isn’t ready to receive anything yet.  Or the person doesn’t take the stuff that landed on the floor around the trash bin.  Maybe the floor gets mopped, but care is not taken to ensure that all the spots are washed away.  Is it better than it was?  Can I appreciate that?  If not, I need to consider if it’s truly helpful having someone else do it.  They aren’t going to volunteer for a perfectionist they can’t please.  Perfectionists Anonymous, here I come!

It probably isn’t going to happen on your timetable, either, adding stress waiting to see it done.  This means mental focus plus energy lost to one degree or another.  As it goes undone, what will be the affect on your stress level?

If you are laid back, it might not bother you.  You are smart enough to anticipate that and give them a timetable to finish.   If you aren’t so laid back, you will find yourself working hard to not nag, fuss, or be mentally annoyed.  For me, a lot of energy can be lost if I’m not careful.  Even the act of being careful is still an energy drain!

Do It Yourself

The other option is to do it yourself.   If you do it, it gets done when you want it done … or at least sooner than they would AND it’s done to your satisfaction.  No energy lost waiting around or being displeased with the result.

Doing it yourself has its own little pitfalls.  It’s an invitation to feel resentful.  It can lead to martyr syndrome, depending on your attitude.  It can also blind people to the needs that exist since everything magically gets done.

The biggest negative is where kids are concerned.  They need the responsibility.  Having said that, if you expect your teen sons to do things they don’t see dad do, you are setting yourself up for a lot of frustration. 

Peace Isn’t Always About Fair

I have found that I need to experiment to see what works best.  My guys are fantastic about chopping wood and bringing it down to the house.  I haven’t brought a whole lot of wood down to the house this winter.  I appreciate what they are doing.  I could do it myself.  They are willingly doing it.  I can focus on what they do, and appreciate them, or I can focus on undone tasks I want help with.

Does that mean that my standards got lowered?  Yes.  I don’t have enough time to do it all.  While I’m involved in two start-up businesses, there are a lot of demands on my time.

If I focus on equality and fairness, I end up such a bundle of nerves that my health is affected.  Is it worth it?  I can’t avoid every migraine that comes along.  However, I can make it far easier to get one.  Focusing on getting others to do their part … and fuming at their lack of cooperation or good attitude or whatever unpleasantness I can zero in on leaves me stressed and prone to increased incidence of migraine.  With all I need to get done, doing the writhe-in-a-dark-room thing for the rest of the day just isn’t on my list of things to do!

I focus on gratitude and appreciation, I’m much more peaceful.  I’m more productive and relaxed.  It’s all in the mindset.  When I find myself frazzled and short with my family, it’s time to take a look at my expectations.  They have usually gotten unreasonable.

I’ve learned that I need to think of the big picture.  What is the cost to my business if I’m distracted and constantly stressed and frustrated over chores?  What is the cost to the relationships?  Will delegating the task at hand produce gratitude in me or frustration?  Do I have time to pursue this job done “right?” Can I accept it if this feels poorly done?

What do you think?  Does it make sense to drop the drama we create for ourselves over chores for the sake of improving relationships?  Is being able to work our freelance businesses with greater focus and energy more important than who does the chores?  How have you navigated these troubled waters?